Get a new job in some place foreign, a closed environment. Give yourself some time to adjust but don’t wait too long to lay the ground work down. Here’s the basic plan: let them get used to you and then make them love you.
You’re shy and you’re quiet, but not too quiet. Figure out how to make them laugh but don’t try too hard. Don’t “try” at all; make “an effort.”
When it’s all settled, when they get whom you’ve established your self to be, find someone to talk about to other people. For example: the entrancing girl with the big bum. You’ve developed a crush on her; she’s got style and character. Style and character before ass size – people will really dig that. You’re not shallow. You’re looking for someone genuine.
Make sure that girl with the big bum is above you. That’s to say, don’t let her think you’re smart. Don’t let her think you’re more than just a nice guy, because she’s going somewhere in life and if you are too then you might end up with her. That’s not what we’re trying to accomplish here.
Flirt with her and allow it to plateau. Don’t move beyond small arm touches or an awkward kiss to the forehead. Make sure to have a few people see your attempts, just enough to make them talk.
After enough time on that plateau she’ll lose interest. Now you’re golden. Don’t stop talking to her. In fact, talk to that big bum more especially when she’s around other guys. This will show onlookers that you aren’t that smooth. You’re a little too hopeful. It’s sad and romantic. Don’t cross into desperate though. Know your boundaries.
When she ends up having a “secret affair” with someone at the workplace, you’ll come off as the empathetic anti-hero. People go fucking crazy for anti-heroes.
Let someone know your recent history. Rehearse a self-deprecating story. Don’t make yourself out to be perfect. When people hear the story through the grapevine they’ll need to take away these things: that you’ve got (1) a sense of your own faults (which is completely respectable) (2) low self-esteem (which isn’t completely respectable, but it does beg for help and the weakest women are more than willing to fix the broken boy.) (3) broken hearted – you’ve left a beautiful girl for to be doing what you’re doing now.
The great thing about your ex being a beauty is that it can be taken metaphorically or literally. It’s completely up to the listener. Additionally, it sends out a discreet message to all the garbage girls to stay away from you. You’ve had a taste of the best and that’s what you’re worth. We’re not going for bottom feeders here. Last of all, YOU left the girl, which means (4) you can be a dick. People go fucking crazy for dicks.
Now you’ve covered all desirable traits.
Crushes will develop. Take your pick. May as well make it the prettiest one of the lot, the one with the selfish boyfriend? Why not?
Smile at her in the hallways.
Sit by her in some places and don’t say too much. Let all the desperate horny guys push her further away. While she drifts off she’ll keep an eye on you and wish she were a part of whatever meaningful conversation you’ll be having.
Keep smiling at her in the hallways. Adding more, say “hi” and use her name. This is the proper amount of progress.
She’ll start to look sad and depressed because you’ve gotten to her and she’s stuck with her horrible terrible boyfriend. When she looks like she couldn’t be any lower, throw a party.
Invite the girl with a big bum, the desperately horny guys, some neutrals and her. Get drunk. Everyone must be drunk
When she and everyone else is completely smashed, slip the appropriate pill into her drink. Play fast, tiring dance music and then, after too much of that, play a slow song – Tiny Dancer, perhaps? Slow dance with the pretty girl. Wrap your arms around her and press yourself close to her. This should make her bite her lip and say in your ear, “I have to tell you something.”
Let her pull you into the hallway. Act surprised by this behavior. Let her kiss you. Let her say, “I shouldn’t do this” and let her keep doing it after agreeing with her statement.
She’ll suggest, “Your room,” because, “someone will catch us.” Drag her in there. Toss her on the bed. It’s okay. She’ll remember it as a drunken, lustful blur. Pull off her dress. Take off her bra, her panties. Do what you will. You’ve worked hard for this moment
You’ve done a great job. You’ve done a bang-up job.
In the morning ask her if she regrets her decisions. She’ll say “no” because she won’t want to hurt your feelings. Make her coffee. Give her an aspirin. Send her out the door with a kiss on her forehead. Move somewhere new.
Matt Prins is a writer and the creator of Instant Books Are Your Future A site dedicated to stories written on folded paper. He has beautiful hair. He lives in Little Italy.