Truth or Dare?

The truth is a powerful thing.

The truth shall set you free.

Here, in order (in order of preference), are the seven truest things ever said about Wufniks:

1. Wufniks was born in a bar called KroBar in Manchester but the editors will tell you that it was a place called Hardy’s because Hardy’s was nicer and there is a giant poem written on the outside facade.

2. Wufniks is printed on 100% non-recycled paper.

3. Is the number of founders of the magazine. They added Ringo Starr a few months later.

4. There is a fourth issue of Wufniks and it is currently hiding under the bed.

5. If you say ‘Wufniks’ five times while looking in the mirror and then turn around, you will see Kurt Vonnegut Jr. and he will hand you a cookie.

6. No member of the Wufniks team has ever used the word ‘hiatus’.

7.  Wufniks’ favourite continent is Central America.

Ahh, that felt good to get off our chests. Now down to business.

Do you know Chris Killen?

He has published a novel called The Bird Room. Go check it out on Amazon. It is one of the prettiest covers  I have seen in a long while. Chris is a kind man and a friend to the world. Go get that world Chris and congrats on the novel!

Wufniks is like a child with a remote controlled helicopter that shoots milkshakes. We have more friends than we know what to do with and of course you can come over to watch the helicopter but of course you can NOT play with it because if you break it our dad will kill us. Something that our friends do quite often is send us stories. We love stories, don’t you? Andrew Borgstrom, Samuel Zane Farrell, and Raoul Colvile have sent us some great and short and great things for us and you to read. We have put them in a section of the house that used to be covered by painting tarps but now it is where the friends of the family go.

Thank you friends of the family.

Thank you gravity.

Thank you John Mayer.

tuna fish sandwich,

(Story) war is over. Or is it? It is.

It’s all over. All your bases are belong to us. Our two brave wufniks soldiers have fought and bled and given all their words in this brutal battle of prose. The smoke has cleared and the final numbers are as follows:

Crispin Best

Views:164

Votes: 17

Final Rating: 5.41

Jason Lee Norman

Views: 182

Votes: 19

Final Rating: 5.32

The numbers don’t lie, it looks as though (even though less people voted and looked at his story) Crispin has a greater overall rating and therefore has been declared the winner. Mr. Norman signed an unconditional surrender at 17:23 local time on the deck of the HMCS Baby Jago. Regarding his defeat, Mr. Norman had this to say:

“It was a failure from start to finish. My grassroots campaign to get out the vote ultimately failed. The story either partly confused people or completely confused them. The word ‘random’ was being shouted at me from all sides. I feel it is still fair to say that the current political situation in Canada (the home of my main voting force) led to the overall distraction of focus from my story and it’s importance in Canadian life. I congratulate Mr. Best for writing one helluva story and I hope to work with him in the future to promote peace and good prose throughout the land.”

Mr. Best made this speech earlier this evening:

“When I was growing up, I liked to play Lego. I played to win. Nowadays, the game is a bit different, but the aim is the same: annihilation of opponents. Like the boxer in my victorious story, ‘My Combed Hair Looks Terrific’, I am an indomitable force in my chosen discipline. My margin of winning only serves to reinforce, in my mind, my sense of my own effortless brilliance. Thank you to everyone who voted. Thank you to everyone who made me what I am. Thanks mum, you’re a neat guy. Thanks dad, we should finally have that beer some time. Jason, keep working at it. I know you have a 5.4 out of 10 story in you somewhere. xoxo”

Thanks again to those of you who voted. Jason promises to begin writing an amazing story right away in order to wash off the stink of failure and disappointed that soaks his every pore.

once more unto the breach,

(Story) war is the answer?

Hooah! It’s war baby! We’ll make this short, sexy, and sweet. Go to Story War and vote for your favourite story. This will decided (for at least a day or so) who is better:

Jason Lee Lee Norman, or

Crispin A. Sebastian B.

Jason’s story is in this quadrant

Crispin’s is in this quadrant

Dig yourself a trench and read away and, of course, enjoy.

peace,

‘Tis the Season?

Hallelujah! Today is the first day of December. Let’s all get our advent calenders out and eat a week’s worth of waxy chocolate.

This is a quick update to let you know that Story War is on. Tomorrow at this time you will check the site and you will see Jason Norman’s and Crispin Best’s stories of joy. The war would have been on today but JLN had second thoughts and needed to beef up his opus a little bit more.

Update:

Crispin Best- 100% complete

Jason Lee Norman- 99% complete

Mr. Best feels oddly confident. “It is a great story, I will lose”. That is a direct quote.

Mr. Norman, on the other hand, believes that he has found a new level for his abysmality (never a word). Stay tuned, vote vote vote, make our story boys into story men.

Bye the Weigh- Transmission is a magazine. They have a special offer right now. You can buy three issues of their magazine for only 10 Pounds! Also, if you place any order between now and the 14th of December then you will be eligible to win a ‘parcel’ or ‘hamper’ full of books. Order here. Who among you has not dreamed of a hamper full of books? None of you, that’s who. We here at wufniks dream of a vault/swimming pool, complete with diving board, filled with literature a la Scrooge McDuck.

Thank you Transmission for being a magazine. They treat the competition so well because they are confident and have fabulous artworks. Remember, all Transmission rejects are welcome. It’s the season of giving!

We’ll see you back around this way tomorrow boys and girls. Remember, vote for stories, send us stories, write stories and throw them up in the air.

bicycle kicks,

Night Time is the Right Time?

Good evening to you all. When you say ‘good evening’ it is best to say it like Alfred Hitchcock would say it: with some kind of strange nasal blockage sounds and lots of breathing.

Wufniks has no real updates for you this time, we just wanted to say hello. to keep in touch, you know? You know. Wufniks is busy working the night shift, the graveyard shift, the ol metier nuit, as they say in France. Night time is great for many things such as owl watching, star counting, moon shouting-at, but it is not a good time to be working. Just remember that somewhere out there, while you are sleeping in your warm warm beds, somebody is baking your bread and fixing your roads and straightening up the bookshelves for your arrival in the morning. In Disneyland the nightshift workers spend the evening scraping the gum off of benches and repainting the entire park. It’s true. Don’t believe me? Go ask your mother.

Here’s an update for you.

Story Wars update:

Jason- 0.05% complete

Crispin- ?.??% complete

Some of you may say, ‘Wufniks, this war does not seem to be going well’. We would call you a big fat downer. Don’t be such a downer, ok? Ok. We’re taking care of it, just relax. It’s always darkest before the dawn. We’ll have this war up and running in no time.

Wufniks editor Jason L. Norman did a clever thing the other day. He re-packaged a 9 Things and turned it into a 6S which stands for Six Sentences. It’s a six sentence story. One of the best ever if you ask us, and most people do. Check it out here or here. Was that too confusing? It probably was. We blame it on the night shift. We blame it on our circadian rhythms.

Wufniks will now say goodnight to you now. Remember, don’t feed your mogwais after midnight.

sweet dreams,

This Means War?

War is not the answer wufniks, but perhaps it is the question? No, probably not. Wufniks is a peach loving nation- and peace as well!

Speaking of war and peaches- Wufniks is at war! Not a real war, but a story war. Story Wars is a place where people put their stories on the site and watch them battle for supremacy through the democratic power of voting. Wufniks editors Crispin ‘the yellow dart’ Best and Jason Lee ‘too many names’ Norman will battle it out to find out once and for all who is the best short story of a thousand words or less writer in the world of worlds. We will keep you updated on when the stories will be put on the site and then you can go and read and vote, and vote often. You have the power inside you. Early polling suggests that Crispin’s story may or may not be about a Jewish boxer and Jason’s may or may not be about a house on fire. Go get ‘em boys!

thank you story wars for existing.

Existing is something that some people do best. You know who exists? Xiena Saeed exists, and so does Kamila Rymajdo, and also Belle Crawford. They were the shortlisted for this year’s Mulcahy and Conway award for outstanding achievment in the field of excellence. You will recognize Ms. Saeed from previous issues of Wufniks and Ms. Rymajdo has provided us with a 9 Things. You may be seeing more of all three of these ladies very soon and we thank them for being friends to and of wufniks. Great job ladies!

If you want to see the greatest story ever told, go here.

If you want to see the greatest story ever written, go here.

Until next time. Make words, not wars.

vanilla fudge,

Return to Sender?

Happy weekend to yous all, my hot and spicy, dripping with tomato sauce wufniks. Today is a Saturday that kind of feels like a Sunday. Outside it is grey but inside it is warm and there will be sports on TV until we all fall asleep. hip hip hooray for that. We have so many things to show and tell you so let’s get to it.

Do you like pictures? Do you like brilliance? wufniks loves brilliance and wufniks loves Harriet Russell. She has a new book out called Envelopes in which she sends letters to herself and writes the addresses in the most hilarious, beautiful, and delightful of patterns. Look here. Look here.

Look at how cheap Harriet’s book is on Amazon! Can you believe it? Buy the book, look at the pictures, love life and postal workers forever and ever. Wouldn’t it be great if Ms. Russell could be a wufniks illustrator? Wow, we’d love that. As soon as we can design an envelope worthy of her genius, we will send it to her and ask for a picture. Go to her site to see all her other great books and pictures and words. Yes you can!

In other news, we have more 9 Things to show you. Keep them coming.

Wufniks has a new game. Whenever you are on a subway train or a train, or a bus full of people and you are listening to your music on headphones, look for another person who is just sitting or standing and listening to their headphones. Catch their eye and then have a quick game of rock, paper, scissors with them. If they win the first one, then make it a best of three, if you win then give them a thumbs up and then immediately go to sleep. Try it.

Today’s update is dedicated to our editor Crispin Best and his knees. We love you CB.

In honour of him, here are some pictures of people who look nothing like the editors of wufniks.

Matt Munday and Crispin Best

Thank you Harriet Russell, thank you

Kings of Leon, thank you sky, up in the sky.

signed, sealed,

delivered,

Change?

Mercy mercy me. Do you feel that in the air? Do you smell what’s cooking? Can you still hear the screams of joy in your ears? Are you still yawning from staying up all night watching the world change? You’re not alone. It feels as though all of the world’s sports teams have won the championship on the same night. Let’s all throw confetti. Let’s all throw an impromptu parade. Let’s all throw our history books out the window. It’s time to buy some new ones. Let’s write them together shall we?

You know who’s a good writer? It’s A.J. Adams of course! A.J. is a great friend of wufniks. Remember Wufniks #1? We certainly do. A.J. is in there! Go read the joy again and again for yourselves. A.J. has provided us with a new story for 9 Things and its a whopper of a doozy of a wufnik. Enjoy.

Wufniks has a new friend to tell you about. Well, he’s not a new friend yet. He still needs to return our calls and we are sure that he will once the muffin basket arrives. Matt Prins is a strong and sensitive Canadian man who sometimes has a moustache. He is doing a cool thing right now with computers and papers and drawings called:

Instant Books Go and read and share with all of your friends. Thanks Matt, we love you.

First new friends, now on to old friends. Crispin Best has finally gone off the deep end. I blame the lack of sunlight. He has many metric tonnes of new stories and pictures to show you, as well as a big crab who gives messages.

hooray for Crispin, hooray for Matt Prins, and hooray for this family, who is about to get a new puppy.

sweet potatoe pie,

Monkey’s Lunch?

Today is the big day in the good ol’ U.S of A. It is voting day or, as the Native Americans call it, ‘the day after Monday’. Wufniks is proud to endorse Barack Obama for president of Earth. Most of you wufniks out there probably don’t live in the America but if you know any Americans, please, give them a hug today because it’s a big day for everyone.

Speaking of hugs. We are hugging each of you with our minds for supporting our site by visiting it and sending us words. Wufniks is becoming a happy, shiny, smell good family. Thank you for joining it and please keep coming because there is so much more to see and to do. Today we have two more submissions to add to our 9 Things. Valerie O’riordan and Raoul Colville, step right up, you’re the next contestants on Wufniks is always right. Ms. O’riordan also has one of thoes blogs that are going around these days, you can read it heeyah. A big round of applause for those two.

You can see some more members of the bright and shiny wufniks family, Crispin ‘don’t call me Robin’ Best and Kamila ‘I’m from Chorlton’ Rymajdo on the spinoff of all spinoff spinoffs, for every year. It is possibly the best idea that anyone has ever had.

hanging chads,

Trick or Treat?

Merry Halloween to you my spooky wufniks. Today we celebrate the only day where goths look normal. The only day you can bother your neighbours without fear of dog bites. The only day where you can fill your pillow cases with candy. The only day that most of us enjoy role playing. It’s important to have a safe word for when things get a little too hot underneath that rubber mask, if you catch our drift. Our safeword is Pumpkin. You give, we’ll receive.

Speaking of receptions. We’ve got a Manchester double feature today to add to the ever growing list of 9 Things that stand between you and happiness. Like a sunflower it’s growing. Like a puberty.

Today we have Dave Hartley and Alistair Harford- the double Hs coming at you! Read their submissions here.  Alistair is a blogger- trust me on this one. Also, Mr. Hartley has a blog, check it out for yourself if you don’t believe us. We would never trick you.

Have a good night wufniks, and stay reflective out there. These are life lessons.

marshmallow peanuts,